What to Ask

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Okay, so you've seen an ad, or a profile, or heard about a friend's friend, who could be a possible potential match. What should you ask them to find out if you *are* a good match?

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Values

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You'll probably want to match with someone who has similar values to you. This is not always the case, and it maybe something that is more important to some than it is to others. Now, I don't mean that you should (necessarily) look for someone who is the same religion as you, but you should think about what values are important to you that would make you feel better about carrying someone's baby or having someone carry your baby.

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For example, my parents are lesbians. Open-mindedness has always been very important to me; it is a value that I was raised with and feel strongly about. I wasn't insistent upon matching with a same-sex couple, but if I matched with a straight IP or couple, they had to be LGBTQ-friendly. They didn't have to affiliate with a certain political party, or have a gay best friend, or idolize Jon Stewart the way I do. I wasn't looking for them to share my exact view-points. If they were just totally LGBTQ-friendly, that was a good indicator to me that they weren't bigots, which for me was necessary to know about the parents for whom I would carry.

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For some people, it *is* important that they find someone who holds the same religious values as them. Some people value education and want a match who has a higher than average education, or loves to read, or is interested in science. 

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Think about any values that are so important to you that you feel you would want or need your match to hold those same or similar values.

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Surrogacy-Related Preferences

 

This one is a little simpler to contemplate. You need to make sure you're on the same page with some details of how you want the surrogacy journey to go. Some important things to consider:

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• Do you want/want to be a gestational or traditional surrogate? Please check the laws in your/the surrogate's state to make sure it is compatible with your choice.
   

• How do you feel about termination and selective reduction? If you are a surrogate, do you feel comfortable letting the parents make the decision about whether or not to terminate? Are there certain circumstances under which you know you absolutely would or would not terminate? Some situations to consider: Would you reduce triplets or more? Would you terminate for Downs Syndrome? Would you terminate for a condition that was not compatible with life for the baby? Would you terminate if your life/the surrogate's life was in jeopardy? You don't always have to have an answer - for things like termination due to various conditions that are not life-threatening for the surrogate, the IPs don't have to know on the spot if they would terminate. However, the surrogate should know if she feels comfortable leaving the decision up to the IPs and following through with whatever they decide. Whatever your views are are fine, but you need to be completely honest about these views so that you can match with someone who feels the same way. Certain views on either side may make matching harder or take longer, but that is okay. It is more important that you are honest with your feelings on the matter and that you match with someone whose feelings align with yours in case the unthinkable happens and termination becomes a possibility. 
   

• How do you feel about carrying/having multiples? Do you want twins/are you okay with carrying twins? Would you transfer two tested embryos? Would you transfer more than one untested embryo? On the first try, or only after failure(s)? What if one or both embryos split?
   

• What kind of communication do you want during the journey? After the journey?
   

• Do you have any special requests/considerations regarding diet, exercise, or other environmental factors?
   

• As a surrogate, do you want to match with IPs who are married, coupled, single, gay, straight, female, male? Do you care? As an IP, do you want a surrogate that is married, partnered, or single? Do you care? These things can all have legal implications when it comes to parentage.
   

• As a surrogate, do you mind if your IPs already have children? If they want to select the gender of their child(ren)?
   

• Do your timelines match up? If you're ready, are they ready? If not, will you or they be ready in an agreeable time frame for the other

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